Husband Vs Wife

The silent treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, "please wake me at 5:00 am " he left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "it is 5:00 am . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "relatives of yours?"

"yep," the wife replied , " in-laws"

Women's revenge

"cash, check or charge?" i asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet i noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"so, do you always carry your tv remote?" i asked.

"no," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and i figured this was the most evil thing i could do to him legally."

W o r d s

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "the reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "what?"

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, "i don't know how you can be

So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

" the wife responded, "allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so i would be attracted to you!

Who does what

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "you should do it, because you get up first,

And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " you are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and i can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "no, you should do it, and besides, it is in the bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "i can't believe that, show me." so she fetched the bible, and opened the new testament

And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........."hebrews"

God may have created man before woman,

But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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Nice Quotes....

1
LONG BACK,
A PERSON WHO SACRIFICED HIS SLEEP,
FORGOT HIS FAMILY,
FORGOT HIS FOOD,
FOGOT LAUGHTER WERE CALLED
"SAINTS"
BUT NOW THEY ARE CALLED..
"IT PROFESSIONALS"

2
AN INTERESTING LINE WRITTEN AT THE BACK OF A BIKER'S T SHIRT:
" IF YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE THIS, PLEASE TELL ME THAT MY GALFRIEND HAS FALLEN OFF"

3.
MOST RELATIONSHIPS FAIL NOT BECAUSE OF THE ABSENCE OF LOVE..
LOVE IS ALWAYS PRESENT..
ITS JUST THAT,
ONE LOVES TOO MUCH,
AND
THE OTHER LOVES TOO MANY,
4.
EMPLOYEE: BOSS, NOW I HAVE GOT MARRIED..! PLEASE INCREASE MY SALARY..!
BOSS: FACTORY IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACCIDENTS OCCURING OUTSIDE THE COMPANY..!

5.
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
AT THE BEGINING OF MARRIED LIFE, EVERY GAL TREATS HER HUSBAND AS GOD,
LATER ON SOMEHOW THE ALPHABETS GOT REVERSED..!
6.
WHAT IS A FEAR?
FEAR IS THE DEEP, WRENCHING FEELING IN YOUR STOMACH
WHEN PAGES OF YOUR BOOK STILL SMELL NEW
AND
JUST FEW HOURS LEFT FOR YOUR EXAMS..!
7.
JUS4FUN
SOMEONE HAS RIGHTLY SAID, "A FOOL CAN ASK MORE QUESTIONS THAT A WISE MAN CANNOT ANSWER"
NO WONDER WHY SO MANY OF US SPEECHLESS WHEN LECTURERS ASK QUESTION..!
8.
GIRL: DO YOU HAVE CARDS WITH SENTIMENTAL LOVE QUOTES?
SHOPKEEPER: OH SURE..@! HOW ABOUT THIS CARD, IT SAYS "TO THE ONLY BOY I EVER LOVED.!"
GIRL: THATS GOOD, GIVE ME 12 OF THEM..!

9
AFTER READING THE FORM FILLED BY AN APPLICANT.. THE EMPLOYER SAID: " WE DO HAVE AN OPENING FOR YOU..!
APPLICANT: WHAT IS IT?
INTERVIEWER: ITS CALLED THE "DOOR..!"
10
A BANNER CUM SIGN BOARD IN FRONT OF AN IT COMPANY..
DRIVE SLOWLY, DONT KILL OUR EMPLOYEE...
..... LEAVE THEM TO US

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Tax Structure in India, Funny but True..

Question 1.. : What are you doing? Ans. : Business. Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX! Question 2 : What are you doing in Business? Ans. : Selling the Goods. Tax : PAY SALES TAX!! Question 3 : From where are you getting Goods? Ans. : From other State/Abroad Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI! Question 4 : What are you getting in Selling Goods? Ans. : Profit. Tax : PAY INCOME TAX! Question 5: How do you distribute profit? Ans : By way of dividend Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX Question 6 : Where you Manufacturing the Goods? Ans. : Factory. Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY! Question 7 : Do you have Office / Warehouse / Factory? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX! Question 8 : Do you have Staff? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX! Question 9 : Doing business in Millions? Ans. : Yes  -- Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX! Ans : No -- Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax Question 10 : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank? Ans. : Yes, for Salary. Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX! Question 11 : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner? Ans. : Hotel Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX! Question 12 : Are you going Out of Station for Business? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX! Question 13 : Have you taken or given any Service / (s)? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX! Question 14 : How come you got such a Big Amount? Ans. : Gift on birthday. Tax : PAY GIFT TAX! Question 15.: Do you have any Wealth? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX! Question 16 : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going? Ans. : Cinema or Resort. Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX! Question 17 : Have you purchased House? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE ! Question 18 : How you Travel? Ans. : Bus Tax : PAY SURCHARGE! Question 19.: Any Additional Tax? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!! Question 20: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY! Question 21: INDIAN : Can I die now?? Ans : Wait we are about to launch the funeral tax !!! Tax Structure in India....... Funny But True

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Schedule: ICC Twenty20 Cricket World Cup 2009

Group A	Group B	Group C	Group D
India	Pakistan	Australia	New Zealand
Bangladesh	England	Sri Lanka	South Africa
Ireland	Netherlands	West Indies	Scotland
Group E	A1, B2, C1, D2	Group F	B1, A2, C2, D1

Date	Lord's	Trent Bridge	The Oval
Fri, 5 June	Opening ceremonyEngland v Netherlands 22:00 IST
Sat, 6 June		India v Bangladesh 22:00 IST	New Zealand v Scotland 14:30 ISTAustralia v West Indies 18:00 IST
Sun, 7 June			South Africa v Scotland 18:00 ISTEngland v Pakistan 22:00 IST
Mon, 8 June		Ireland v Bangladesh 18:00 ISTAustralia v Sri Lanka 22:00 IST
Tues, 9 June	Pakistan v Netherlands 18:00 ISTNew Zealand v South Africa 22:00 IST
Wed, 10 June		Sri Lanka v West Indies 18:00 ISTIndia v Ireland 22:00 IST

Placement for the Super Eight stage is determined as follows:
The first two teams in each group are placed 1 or 2. They will retain this position for the Super Eight stage, irrespective of whether they finish first or second in their group, unless they are knocked out by the team 3 in their group. In this instance, team 3 replaces the position of the team they knock out.

Date	Lord's	Trent Bridge	The Oval
Thu, 11 June		D1 v A2 (18:00 IST) B2 v D2 (22:00 IST)
Fri, 12 June	B1 v C2 (18:00 IST) A1 v C1 (22:00 IST)
Sat, 13 June			C1 v D2 (18:00 IST) D1 v B1 (22:00 IST)
Sun, 14 June	A2 v C2 (18:00 IST) A1 v B2 (22:00 IST)
Mon, 15 June			B1 v A2 (18:00 IST) B2 v C1 (22:00 IST)
Tues, 16 June		D1 v C2 (18:00 IST) D2 v A1 (22:00 IST)

The teams finishing first and second in groups E and F, based on points obtained in the Super Eight stage will compete in the semi-finals

Date	Lord's	Trent Bridge	The Oval
Wed, 17 June	REST DAY	REST DAY	REST DAY
Thu, 18 June		Women's semi-final A1 v B2 (18:00 IST)Men's semi-final E1 v F2 (22:00 IST)
Fri, 19 June			Women's semi-final B1 v A2 (18:00 IST)Men's semi-final F1 v E2 (22:00 IST)
Sat, 20 June	REST DAY	REST DAY	REST DAY
Sun, 21 June	Women's final 14:30 ISTMen's final 19:30 IST Closing ceremony

Ticket prices

Lord's and The Oval	Gold		Silver		Family Stand
Men's Prices (inc. VAT)	Adult	U16	Adult	U16	Adult	U16
Opening game and ceremony	£60	£15	£40	£12	£30	£10
Group game - double header	£60	£15	£40	£12	£30	£10
Super 8 game - double header	£70	£15	£50	£12	£40	£10
Semi-finals day (women/men)	£90	£15	£60	£12	£50	£10
Finals day (women/men)	£90	£15	£60	£12	£50	£10

Trent Bridge	Gold		Silver		Family Stand
Men's Prices (inc. VAT)	Adult	U16	Adult	U16	Adult	U16
Group game and single header	£30	£12	£25	£10	£20	£8
Group game - double header	£50	£12	£35	£10	£30	£8
Super 8 game - double header	£60	£12	£45	£10	£40	£8
Semi-finals day (women/men)	£75	£12	£60	£10	£40	£8

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Moral of the Story

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove

20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was

already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. 

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same

thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat

kept coming home before him. 

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,

past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he

reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. 

An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen

is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost

and I need directions to reach home!!!

Moral:

" How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their

assistance.  So never worry how many people dislike you... "12     

ForwardSourceID:NT0004736A    

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Re: Girls profiles taken from shaadi.com

Ultimate.... .......... ....I bet u can't stop laughing.    These are Girls profiles taken from shaadi . com These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart! Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   - Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalore.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Sowmya ~*~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Wut Homework?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   i am simple girl. I have lot of problemin my life because of my lucknow i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot (I don't know why but this is one of my favorites) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD. 2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION 3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing {laughing}) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would be called the man of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from "Ok-syndrome") ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father & mother sister completely married (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely' ?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ... (but credit cards not accepted..?? ?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~   I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social service. (Zebra..???) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

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